Splendid Competition

Any reader worth her Kosher salt knows our obsessive coverage of all things Splenda. Yet, it seems there are those out there who still do not embrace the joy of hydroxyl-chlorine substitution. How could this be?

Perhaps it's Splenda's dubious history: Two scientists in England were trying to create an insecticide. One asked the other to test the new white powder they'd concocted. In accordance with official Crappy English Humor laws, it was misheard as a request to taste it. Thus, sucralose was born.

As a humorous footnote to that story, Splenda has since been tested on numerous cute squeaky things…to delicious results!

But if we still haven't convinced you, here are some other low-cal powders to dust on your latte.

Xylitol - Also called Birch sugar, this stuff comes from raspberries, plums, corn, and, yes, birch. But to wrap your tongue around this sweet substitute, you'll have to go to Finland, its 'home country'. Also Japan and South Korea, if you're willing to stick with gum. I think Trident uses it too.

Pro: Repairs cavities, osteoporosis, and ear infections, no I'm totally serious.

Con: Wait for it…it's a laxative. Oh, and can cause loss of coordination, depression and seizures.

Maltitol - It doesn't decay teeth and has less calories. And it can be synthesized from regular everyday starch.

Pro: 'Baked goods'

Cons: 'Gastric Distress'

Isomalt - Like sucrolose, it's also produced from sugar. Unlike sucrolose, it has about the same volume too- Find this stuff in Candy, coffee, and chocolate.

Pros: Also repairs cavities, feeds good bacteria in the system, and of course, it's sweet.

Cons: Still has a decent chunk of calories, and has to be mixed with another sweetener to get it to sugar levels. And diarrhea

Stevia - Actually a type of herb, the 'steviosides' in it are 300 times sweeter than sugar. Folks go crazy for it in Japan, but you can also smuggle it in from China, Korea, Thailand, Malaysia, Israel, and parts of South America.

Pros: Well, the US has labeled it unsafe at the request of an 'anonymous food complainant'. As the various lawsuits against Splenda have proven, these always turn out to be actually filed by the competition. If Sweet n' Low is worried, you can probably be pretty sure it's good.

Cons: A faaaaint possibility of depressed male vitality. If you get paranoid about Mountain Dew, this ain't the sweetener for you.