Cooking Tips for Guys, Part I

Summer is here and real American men know what to do: watch baseball on TV, because it's just too friggin' hot at the ballpark, especially if you're not from the Dominican Republic like all those rich pro ballplayers.

It's also when real American men are expected to generate Code Orange air quality days by immolating meat in the backyard. Any pantywaist metrocurian can use those SUV-sized natural gas, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all the fancy features (good subwoofers do help spread the sauce evenly, though). Nah, let's get ready to deep-fry some turkey.

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough real guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Don't bother with those electronic gizmos at Leading Edge; you can never read the LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn't that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don't forget the turkey. Make sure it is big enough to bother with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside do not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

5. Equipment check list. This will vary but should definitely include safety equipment (welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses, fire extinguisher, cell phone, well-stocked beer cooler or full beer keg with ice), fire ignition tools (lighting chimney, matches, flamethrower, etc.), food manipulating tools (tongs, skewers, forks, knives, meat thermometers, meat hygrometers, count-down timer, 55-gallon deep-fry container, perforated deep-fry container insert with turkey stand and handle, caulking gun for stuffing insertion, brushes, airbrushes, and hypodermic needles for applying sauce, tattoo gun for decorations), deep-fry medium (vegetable oil is better than animal fat; Marvel Mystery Oil is not recommended), sauces, rubs, marinades, condiments and spices, and some essential vegetables (potato salad, cole slaw, ketchup). Anything missing? See Step #2. Hot and sweaty? See Step #2 (the shopping mall is air-conditioned) or begin beer consumption.

6. Check fuel supply. Make sure you have enough. Charcoal briquettes add a certain piquancy, but for even more petro-chemical taste and aroma soak your wood, charcoal, or bitumen in charcoal starter, napalm, or even gasoline (to hell with the expense). Do not add gasoline to burning fires or glowing coals, even if you feel you have protected yourself by consuming sufficient beer.

7. Ignite fire. Don welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses; if you are Caucasian, reverse baseball cap. Apply flame to fuel and accelerant, then extinguish eyebrows and flip-flops. If you are cooking over a gas burner or using an electric deep-fryer, get medical treatment for low testosterone level immediately. Remember to consume enough beer to keep cool.

8. Ensure that your annoying neighbor is downwind of your fire. Give the jerk something real to grumble about. He won't complain to you, though -- no real American guy would embarrass himself like that or disrespect the sacred nature of male outdoor cooking. If he complains, report the wimp to the authorities as an illegal alien terrorist and/or sexual deviant. Continue consuming beer to keep cool.

9. Cook. Allow fire to settle into glowing coals before using crane to hoist container of cooking oil over grill or burner. If you have been too impatient to allow fire to settle into glowing coals, extinguish oil fire and repeat. While waiting for fire to settle into glowing coals, prepare turkey by sprinkling it with salt, pepper, and/or the Deep-Fried Turkey Sprinkle you probably bought at Home Depot, and/or brush, air-brush or inject that Home Depot Deep-Fried Turkey Sauce. Remember to leave room in the oil container for turkey and perforated container to displace hot oil; if you forget, extinguish oil fire and repeat Step #9. Consume beer to replenish vital fluids and keep cool.

10. Remove turkey when done.The Deep-Fried Turkey Doneness Formula is simply Time = (weight of turkey) ß/Σ (altitude)2. Remember to adjust for actual air pressure and the specific gravity of your particular oil medium. If you think of turkey weight in kilos, knock on some doors and get a real American to help you. You can calculate Deep-Fried Turkey Doneness more easily with a meat thermometer: remove turkey ten minutes after meat thermometer melts. Alternative method: turkey is done when a 200-pound American male cook has consumed 216 fluid ounces (one gallon, five-and-a-half pints) of beer (caution: if you think of this as 6.39 liters, see above).

11. Allow turkey to drain and cool before eating. Do not blot with shop rags (these often contain metal shavings and will ruin dinner) or those little finger towels in the guest bathroom (using those for anything is grounds for divorce).

12. Call KFC. What the hell; a good time was had by all. Need a cold one?

Disclaimer: The above is provided for amusement, not actual cooking. NotionsCapital is not responsible for interpretations by the humor-impaired, mentally-challenged, or emotionally-disturbed. If English is not your native tongue, please ignore this post. Yes, we are aware that people are injured while improperly deep-frying turkeys and that consuming deep-fried foods is not considered healthy, so keep it to yourself. Jeez, what a country.

The preceding post was submitted by guest blogger Mike Licht. His original entry may be found here.