For all the fuss that fruitcakes get, I’ve never actually received the gift (or re-gifted it for that matter) in all my twenty Christmases. Call me young and naive, but the tradition seems as obsolete as wearing Ugg boots with skirts or holding Christmas soirees rather than Chrismukah ones. But for those of you who did receive a fruitcake (and please come forward) here are some ideas of how to put that Eff-cake to use.
1. Contribute to the Cold Stone Creamery Fruitcake Freedom Initiative. Donate a fruitcake to any Cold Stone location throughout the nation (click here for DC-area ones) during December, and receive 5 bucks off any 8-inch ice cream cake (originally around twenty-five bucks). Or use the credit toward one of the exclusive December ice cream flavors: either Santa’s Reward—a Candy Cane ice cream mixed with double Oreos. Or After Dinner Mint—Dark Chocolate Peppermint ice cream swirled with marshmallows, Oreos and chocolate shavings.
2. Save money on bird seed. Even the National Wildlife Federation endorses the idea. But the nature activists warn cake abusers not to go tossing around pieces of rum-infused ones. We wouldn’t want the birds flying under the influence. And while you’re at it, sing along to the Mary Poppin’s classic. Feeeed the biiiiirds, tuppence a bag…
3. Buy a plane ticket to Manitou Springs, Colorado and feel free to chuck or hurl the brains out of the little Eff-devil. The Eleventh Annual Great Fruitcake Toss endorses fruitcake abuse of all kinds. This year, in response to the overwhelming flux of disgruntled recipients, the competition site has been upgraded to the Manitou Springs High School track! Yippe-iee-yahooo! Awards will go to the greatest hurled distance, as well as the most glamorous, creative and ugly transformations of a fruitcake. Oh and calling all Washington-area-ians, you may also go home with the furthest distance traveled award. That is, if you’re not opposed to the stack of required paperwork.
4. Splurge on a Panettone, the Eff-cake’s enchanting Italian cousin. Realize that there’s no way the dark horse relative will ever live up to the all-to-delicious-at-12-grams-of-fat-a-slice P-dream. She is light, fluffy and hardly reminiscent of anything leftover.
5. Forget Klondike. What would you do for a Fruitcake Sandwich? Thinly slice the Eff-baby and place a dollop of leftover ice cream (from last Sunday’s dessert fest) in between the two cake wafers. Wrap in any sort of foil or saran wrap and freeze overnight.
6. Fondue party anyone? Chop them into cubes with other miscellaneous leftover chunks (i.e. turkey, Uncle Eugene’s bright orange cheese cube, pie chunks, green beans) and throw together an alternative pre-New Year’s Fondue Ball. If the cake still resurfaces as leftovers, throw the pieces into the oven for 15ish minutes, and use as croutons in a sweeter salad. Like a pear and blue cheese one with raspberry vinaigrette.
7. You know you’re craving an Applesauce Cheddar Fruitcake…(umm, what?) Consult the Eff-cake recipe library if you really decide get into this.
8. Still not impressed? Try alternative doorstop, fireplace log or bathtub drainer—those seem to be the traditional favorites.