While America is reaching a level of economic imperialism unimaginable during the European colonization era of the 17th Century, spreading a slickly-marketed culture to the entire globe, Canada remains an unassuming, sensible, New World counterpart, a Canuck Abbott to our Yankee Costello. They look like us, talk like us, but ain’t U.S.
There’s a lot to love about Canada. Excellent skiing, panoramic views, immaculate cities. Regional beers so strong that that they make you forget you’re living in a town called Dildo. Legal Cuban cigars. Evangeline Lilly. Truly, all things to be proud of, and their desire to protect their culture from American influence is noble, but as their desire to remain Canadian is strong, America’s desire to be Canadian is stronger.
Their beloved candy bar, Coffee Crisp, is now being sold in the States. This little candy bar has such a fan club here that they petitioned Nestle’ to sell it domestically, thereby crippling a cottage industry of Canadians selling the bars to suckers…er, buyers, on eBay. Theoretically, World Market in Pentagon City has the bars, but two trips in the past week have been fruitless. The Wegman‘s in Fairfax was supposed to have them in the store as of yesterday.
We’ve already taken their hockey teams, their top aeronautical engineers from the Avro Arrow project, Tim Horton’s is expanding through the Midwest, we’re holding all of their comics hostage and, frankly, we’re not giving back Jim Carrey or Eugene Levy, but they can reclaim Dan Akroyd at any time. (Sorry about the Phil Hartman thing. We’re still a bit bitter about that, too.)
Once we get their superior pop bands, politeness, health care and near-universal gun ownership, the assimilation will be complete. The United States of Canada has a certain ring, n’est-ce pas?
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07Sep
9 Responses
You know…we could use 13 more states. 😉
It would never fit on the flag. On the other hand, I know people who would gladly let us be annexed in return for Poutine. Whatever that is.
Poutine is a Canadian dish of fries topped with cheese curds and a spicy brown gravy. Just about perfect after a day on the slopes.
I saw them at the 7-Eleven on N. Fairfax in Arlington, too. (I was there for eggs and picked up a Slurpee. I don’t make a habit of going there, K?)
So, I went to that 7-11 on North Fairfax last night, bought five Coffee Crisps. Not as good as I remember, yet strangely addictive.
Mmmm… poutine.. . Nestle tried to test-market Coffee Crisp in New York a couple of summers ago. I had a mild freakout when someone gave me a sample bar outside of Penn Station, but I never heard anything else.
By the way, Tim’s is expanding across the Midwest because they’re owned by Wendy’s, but, shh..
Alright, I ate one of these over the weekend. What’s the big deal? They’re just kind of sugary wafer things with sort of a coffee flavor. Someone explain this one to me? I’m trying to be cross-cultural here.
Okay, first there is no universal gun ownership in Canada. You might own a shotgun or a rifle, but you won’t own a handgun without a lot of explaining. Secondly, poutine is a far second to smoked-meat which is the true nectar of the gods. Coffee Crisp is just a candy bar, smoked meat is nirvana (and I don’t mean the crummy band).
Ken is right – smoked meat in Montreal was heavenly – especially with a grape soda. I can’t explain it – it was fab.
What a great post – not only does it mention the Nordiques (not pronounced Nor-dee-kwyus), but also the Tragically Hip. Very sweet work.