A few months ago, I set out to chronicle the ways in which Alexandria’s charming Del Ray neighborhood can rot your teeth and ruin your diet. An eating tour of Del Ray is a delicious invitation to gain weight and keep your dentist’s kids in private school. There’s so many fun little eateries in the neighborhood that I felt compelled to break the article into two parts, thereby giving it a more proper review. Part one would be the places I know best, and then after a careful sampling of other places in the area, I was going to write part two.
One small problem with that idea – while my teeth are fine, my diet was ruined. I gained over 15 pounds since I started writing Part II. And those were not “happy pounds” either. Angry, vicious pounds – more bitter than a jilted bride on Valentine’s Day and colder than a divorce attorney. I felt Morgan Spurlock‘s pain. Being a FUD writer Super-Sized Me. I drew a line in the sand a few weeks ago and vowed to be more Dave Matthews than Dave Thomas or Dave Thomas.
In the past year, I’ve learned 10 unassailable facts about FUD in DC :
1) Del Ray really CAN tack on the pounds, plus the Dairy Godmother is serving Tiramisu AND Thin Mint Cookie custards this month. Courage, my friends.
2) When reviewing beers, candy bars and chili, always mix in a salad. Preferably not fruit salad from a can. And, preferably, not the can too.
3) Don’t go to Wegman’s when you’re hungry. You’ll end up with a cart full of food that you don’t remember placing in the cart and have no idea how to pronounce. Then you’ll drive home for the next hour wondering what in the hell just happened.
4) Don’t go to Harris-Teeter when you’re hungry. You’ll end up with overpriced foods and no idea how to pay for it. Only supermarket I’ve ever been to that should offer financing and layaway. “Just three more payments and that soymilk is all mine!”
5) The large anything (burger, phở, beverage) may only be a dollar more than the small, but the small will do. Some phở places sell Extra-Large sizes – how can anybody finish one of those and not end up in a food coma?
6) That exercise thing…kinda important. Ever notice how many WSC and Sport & Health Clubs are near supermarkets? If Curves keeps it up, there’ll be one in every supermarket.
7) Cakelove’s butter cakes need to be brought up to room temperature before serving properly. Don’t eat a dozen cupcakes while you’re waiting.
8) Every one of those “Limited Edition” candy bars at CVS – meh. Not nearly as good as you’d expect, except the marshmallow Reese’s and the Malt and Espresso Kit-Kats. Otherwise…meh. The white chocolates taste like wax and the caramels always seem off somehow. No need to try them – if they were any good, they wouldn’t be “Limited Editions” but “Always Available.”
9) Latin and Asian markets offer lower prices on meats and veggies and often with better variety. They may not have those bonus club cards, but the staples of a healthy diet are much more affordable. Giant and Soviet Safeway, take heed.
10) You know those people who bring donuts and cakes into the workplace? They secretly hate all their coworkers. They actually wanted a donut themselves, but assuage the guilt by bringing in 11 other sugarbombs to make everybody else fat and lethargic.
So, as I’m sticking to exercise, watercress and protein-shakes, I’ve been avoiding my normal calorie-rich fare. Regular exercise and a more moderate diet has brought me back down to a more comfortable weight.
I apologize in advance to any reader who lived vicariously through my gluttony, and to any establishment that might notice a sudden downturn in sales. Trust me, I miss you too.