Any reader worth her Kosher salt knows our obsessive coverage of all things Splenda. Yet, it seems there are those out there who still do not embrace the joy of hydroxyl-chlorine substitution. How could this be?
Perhaps it’s Splenda’s dubious history: Two scientists in England were trying to create an insecticide. One asked the other to test the new white powder they’d concocted. In accordance with official Crappy English Humor laws, it was misheard as a request to taste it. Thus, sucralose was born.
As a humorous footnote to that story, Splenda has since been tested on numerous cute squeaky things…to delicious results!
But if we still haven’t convinced you, here are some other low-cal powders to dust on your latte.
Xylitol – Also called Birch sugar, this stuff comes from raspberries, plums, corn, and, yes, birch. But to wrap your tongue around this sweet substitute, you’ll have to go to Finland, its ‘home country’. Also Japan and South Korea, if you’re willing to stick with gum. I think Trident uses it too.
Pro: Repairs cavities, osteoporosis, and ear infections, no I’m totally serious.
Con: Wait for it…it’s a laxative. Oh, and can cause loss of coordination, depression and seizures.
Maltitol – It doesn’t decay teeth and has less calories. And it can be synthesized from regular everyday starch.
Pro: ‘Baked goods’
Cons: ‘Gastric Distress’
Isomalt – Like sucrolose, it’s also produced from sugar. Unlike sucrolose, it has about the same volume too- Find this stuff in Candy, coffee, and chocolate.
Pros: Also repairs cavities, feeds good bacteria in the system, and of course, it’s sweet.
Cons: Still has a decent chunk of calories, and has to be mixed with another sweetener to get it to sugar levels. And diarrhea
Stevia – Actually a type of herb, the ‘steviosides’ in it are 300 times sweeter than sugar. Folks go crazy for it in Japan, but you can also smuggle it in from China, Korea, Thailand, Malaysia, Israel, and parts of South America.
Pros: Well, the US has labeled it unsafe at the request of an ‘anonymous food complainant’. As the various lawsuits against Splenda have proven, these always turn out to be actually filed by the competition. If Sweet n’ Low is worried, you can probably be pretty sure it’s good.
Cons: A faaaaint possibility of depressed male vitality. If you get paranoid about Mountain Dew, this ain’t the sweetener for you.

Where oh where did American yogurt go so wrong? How come mostly all that is sold is a uber-sweet fruit flavored cup of gelatin-filled pudding or chalky-thin no-fat Dannon plain? Whatever happened to tangy, creamy, healthy, dairy fresh-tasting yogurt? Like the kind that is sold in every store in Europe?
Happily, about a year ago I suddenly became aware of Greek yogurt. Where it was before that I have no idea. I had never heard of it and then … it was everywhere, in every Whole Foods, natural foods store, Trader Joe’s and upscale grocery. It comes in full fat, 2%, and no-fat tubs, not individual serve cups, and (I swear this is not a prepaid ad) is called Fage Total Greek yogurt brand. It is supposed to be the #1 brand actually sold in Greece. There is no excuse to ever buy the thin chalky or yucky sweet stuff again. Ever.
First of all Fage yogurt still has all the active microorganisms that commercial yogurt manages to kill in the processing. You know, the stuff that originally made yogurt a (maybe THE) original Health Food. Now Dannon its promoting its (fruit filled, sugary) Activa brand – yippee, big deal. Its hook is that one of Dannon’s huge line is actually what is supported to be – yogurt that still has live acidophilus bacteria to support and maintain a healthy digestive tract.
Second, Total is VERY thick and very creamy. It is an excellent substitute for sour cream, thin cream cheese, or even mayo in many recipes. If you want sweet or fruity just add some jam or sugar (try brown – lovely!) Their website does list fruit-flavored ones but I’ve never seen any except the plain, so maybe they are sold only in Greece. I actually like the full-fat but the others are much superior to other low or no-fat yogurt. Truly delicious. Wish I knew how to say that in Greek.
BTW, Trader Joe’s does have a line of its own of Greek and also what they call Mediterranean yogurt. Not bad — but not as good as Fage Total. Sorry Joe.
This post is by bacteria activist and guest blogger MHF

Doug asks: Why it is that my burgers never turn out to be “restaurant quality” when I grill?
Chef Yaneev writes: This, actually, is a very common question. Generally, people who have burgers that aren’t quite what they expected tend to make one of two mistakes. They’re either making their patties too big (which is bad because by the time the middle of the patty is cooked to temperature, the outside is charred beyond belief – a good burger should be no more than three-quarters of an inch thick), or they’re using beef that is too lean (see the tip in my last post about fat).
Joanne asks: Is it necessary to sear meat in hot fat before stewing or braising it in broth or water?
Chef Yaneev writes: Many chefs have different reasons for doing this (or not doing it). One common answer is that this “locks in the juices.” Unfortunately, that’s not true. The reason that those chefs who opt to sear meat do so is because searing meat gets the outside of the meat hot enough to brown, which adds flavour. Any food cooked solely in water or broth never gets hotter than the boiling point of water (212 degrees Farenheit at sea level). Browning in fat allows the outside of the meat to reach much higher temperatures – usually 300 to 500 degrees. Those high temperatures quickly create intense flavours, rich brown colours, and crackling crusts. This is due to a chemical reaction called the Maillard reaction, where carbohydrates react chemically with amino compounds in proteins to create browning, deeper flavours, and great aromas. Personally, I always sear meat before stewing or braising it. Some chefs disagree, but hey, the flavour difference is certainly there.
Rob asks: If veal is essentially young beef, shouldn’t it be thought of as a more tender “cut” (i.e. more suitable for drier cooking methods)? Why is it that almost every recipe I’ve seen for veal involves moist cooking methods?
Chef Yaneev writes: Have you ever noticed that at a lot of restaurants, veal isn’t really done right, and winds up tasting like you’re eating a tire? That’s because they usually use drier cooking methods. Veal has a high proportion of connective tissue to muscle fiber because the young animal has not had time to put on extra weight. However, because it’s a young animal, veal’s connective tissue is more soluble than that in beef. Cooking veal with moisture (i.e. a moist cooking method) therefore makes sense because it allows that connective tissue to soften.
Got a food question you’d like me to answer? Send them into to dcfud.writers@gmail.com, and I’ll answer them in my Ask a Chef column.

Today’s Haiku:
I dreamed of cupcakes
Covered in chocolate sprinkles.
My pillow’s missing
Today’s Lunch spot:
Jonathan’s Gourmet Deli – This place takes their salads very seriously.
Today’s recipe: Spicy Potato Skins
4 large potatoes
1/4 cup olive oil
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1-1/2 teaspoons chili powder
1-1/2 teaspoons curry powder
1-1/2 teaspoons ground coriander seed
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
Bake the potatoes for 1 hour. Slice the potatoes in half lengthwise, and let them cool for 10 minutes. Scoop out most of the insides, leaving about 1/4 inch of squish against the potato skin. Cut each potato into three pieces and brush with olive oil. Combine the salt and the spices and sprinkle the mixture over the potatoes. Bake the potato skins for 15 minutes or until they are crispy and brown.

Fud’s obsession with Splenda is a beautiful thing, especially on dry news days when we can’t be bothered to, you know, write anything real.
But if you thought we were ridiculous, check out Dr. Janet Starr Hull’s book: Splenda®: Is It Safe Or Not?.
Now, no one gives something a title like that if the answer is “why yes, yes it is, completely harmless. Sorry to cause the fuss”. But this book doesn’t stop there, it promises to save your children from toxins, and identify the cause of ‘vague health symptoms that puzzle your doctor’. I deeply suspect it will also walk your dog, reconcile you with your ex, and make your teenage son love you again.
It’s only deep into the website that the true oddness pops up- Hull is a Saccarine fan! Yes, despite the ‘misleading report 20 years ago’ that it causes cancer, Saccarine and not Splenda is the answer to all your problems. In case you didn’t get the picture, she advocates you to use the packet’s color coding: Yellow(Splenda) means caution, whereas the happy pink of Sween n’ Low means sweet safety!
Yet, this is only the second book that our good doctor has published. Her first one is “Sweetpoison“, a book on the dangers of Aspartame (NutraSweet). its description is surprisingly similar.
I can’t help feeling like maybe Dr. Hull, who lists her qualifications as “.. Licensed Certified Nutritionist, certified fitness professional, author and aspartame victim”, should maybe be taken with a grain of salt.

Many people spend their whole life searching for perfection; the perfect outfit, the perfect diet, the perfect job. I am proud to say that, while I have yet to find perfection in any of the above, I have located the perfect brownie. It is a thick and rich brownie, with a moist, fudgy, faintly chewy interior. There are walnuts too! The top is a thin layer of chocolate, with mini marshmallows and caramel swirls.
However, this brownie is difficult to procure. It can only be purchased during four periods a year, with each period composed of 4 days. In addition, it is a costly brownie, ranging from $26 for students up to $135. There is also a dress code to buy the brownie; black tie is not required, however a certain amount of formality is defiantly de rigueur.
At this point you may be wondering if the brownies are gold-plated, or made by Julia Child (the latter would be particularly interesting as she is dead). However the truth is less exciting. You see, with every brownie purchased, one gets to see a free performance of the Baltimore Opera Company. Or, to put it another way, you can only buy the brownies at the dessert pavilion at the Baltimore Opera company during the intermission of one of the performances. Attempts to convince to the BO staff to let the author simply run in and purchase a brownie have been unsuccessful thus far. Attempts to discover the source of the brownies has met equal results. Thus, this brave author every couple of months puts on her high heels and pearls, purchases a ticket, and travels to the opera house to buys her brownie. And usually stays for the show.

When its been a long day of polishing your wooden leg, beating up ninjas, and feeding the parrot, all your standard pirate desires is an uncrowded car on the Red Line and a chicken sandwich. Well, the uncrowded car part is relatively easy compared to the insurmountable task of finding a good chicken sandwich in DC. Shiver me timbers indeed, what be this on me Kaiser? It be th’ dreaded CHICKEN PRODUCT.
Oh, that greasy sensation of biting into a salty, lukewarm, sponge. Those air bubbles where no air bubbles should be. That flat, oblong shape; inside every mammal’s brain, no matter now indoctrinated, there is the knowledge that chicken breast should not have right-angles.
But besides being completely disgusting and inedible, what’s in this stuff?
Chicken skin is the prime ingredient in most chicken product, ripped off by factory workers before the rest of the chicken is processed. Skin is often the only part of the chicken present, but even that could be as low as 16% of what makes up a finished patty.
Protein slurry: created by forcing carcasses that have already been stripped of skin and meat through a wire mesh. Any actual muscle product, (and also nerve matter, cartilage, and bone) gets added in this way
Water: to plump up this stuff, it goes through a process called ‘tumbling’ where salt water is forced into the matter. This makes it take up more space.
Cow and pork hide, bone, and ligaments: the water would just drip out again without these important stabilizers
Soybeans: vegetarians will be glad to know that most of the chicken product’s volume is actually made from this legume. It’s the only way to give it any other texture besides ‘liquid’. However, to make this stuff taste right, you have to first flavor it with…
A huge amount of MSG, sugar, maltodextrin, lactose and other flavoring chemicals: after all, soybeans aren’t known for their chickeny taste. The sugar also helps neutralize the salt water we already used to give it some volume.
Anti-foaming agent (polydimethylsiloxane): it’s a type of silicone. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds pretty scary.
Leavening agents: sodium bicarbonate or yeast to add more volume. I’m guessing that must be what causes the freaky air bubbles
Xanthan gum, phosphates, and other emulsifiers, binders, and stabilizers: it’s the only way to glue the proteins, water, and fat from stratifying out of solution.
Lots of banned antibiotics: at least in Europe, a lot of chicken product comes in through Asia to bypass EU laws on harmful substances. Anyone know if this is true in the US?
Citric acid: a preservative. It almost sounds wholesome at this point.
I’m not really sure what pirates had to do with any of this. -z