Today’s Haiku:
‘Eat me’ tempts a pear
But your evil taunting cries
Won’t change your carb count
Yesterday’s menu:
Big salad with blue cheese and steak, a bag of almonds, two slices of turkey, and a Chipotle Buritto Bol sans corn.
I feel:
Lighter but craving. I honest to god had a dream about cake last night- It was one of the more disturbing things ever. This is a hell of a lot of work for the 2 measly pounds I’m down.
Recipe: South Beach-Safe Cheesecake

• Beat together two eight ounce packages of softened lowfat cream cheese, sixteen packets of Splenda, and

The objective here is to find a substitute for those boxed rice pilafs I buy in the store when I need a quick meal. They are tasty but seem unnecessary, given that I keep all the basic ingredients in my kitchen.

1 tsp poultry seasoning
1/2 tsp thyme
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp onion powder
1 Tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp olive oil
2 c vegetable broth
1 c water
1/2 c lentils
1/2 c brown rice
almonds
Bring vegetable broth to a boil, add olive oil, almonds, and seasonings, cook for 10 minutes. Add lentils and cook for 10 more minutes. Add the cup of water and the rice, return to boil, cover, and cook until all water is absorbed, at least 10-15 minutes.
If you have more time, you can always use freshly chopped onions and garlic instead of the powdered versions. The advantage of the dried seasonings is convenience and speed, but, you know, fresh is preferable.

This recipe is in tribute to the book Masters of Deceit: What the Communist Bosses are Doing Now to Bring America to its Knees, a 1957 rant against socialists in America and their use of pornography, atheism, and minority civil rights (among other nefarious activities) to prepare us for the Soviet takeover.
It contains useful hints on identifying which of your friends may be a Russian spy and what you as a loyal patriot should do if your local newspaper is taken over by fanatical comrades. The author? Everyone

Technically, minestrone is any thick soup containing vegetables, beans, and pasta or rice. This variation is seasoned not with the usual Italian herbs but with worcestershire sauce and chili powder. Veggie worcestershire sauce may be found for those who don’t care for anchovies; I get mine at Whole Foods, it’s got a fearsome-looking wizard on the label.
6 c water
2 c tomato juice
2/3 cup cooked beans (navy beans, kidney beans, garbanzos all work fine)
1 coarsely chopped onion
1 Tbsp salt
2-3 Tbsp worcestershire sauce
1/4 tsp chili powder
2 bay leaves
2 Tbsp lemon juice (optional)
carrots, potatoes, peas, green beans, corn, whatever
macaroni
If you use dried beans, pre-soak them overnight. Cook the beans at least an hour, then add tomato juice, onion, and seasonings. Cover and simmer somewhere around 30 minutes. Add veggies by texture (carrots first, peas and corn last), cover and simmer for another hour. Add the lemon juice and macaroni in the final 10 minutes. This soup tastes better the day after it is prepared.

So you used our Trick Your Way into Her Panties Veal recipe on the hot chick in the cube next to you and found success. It’s the next morning and there are still no restraining orders or harassment charges, and all it took to keep her at your place for the night was the threat of roaming neighborhood mutant werewolf zombies.
Well baby, that can all change in the space of an outraged face slap if you don’t finish the deal with some help from our Pretend Like You’ve Got Culture Omelet
This omelet says baby, I’ve got style and class. I buy you chocolates on the appropriate holidays and enjoy watching ice skating on TV. It says I’m in touch with my spicy ethnic roots even though my ancestors are from Latvia. It says, please don

It’s salty and tastes like chicken. You really shouldn’t need any other excuse to make home-style chicken soup, but here’s a top 5 list just in case you aren’t convinced:

1. As mentioned a couple days ago, it cures colds. No really, inflammations of the nasal passages are soothed by scalded rooster.
   
2. It’s the number one comfort food in the US, apparently. Right next to a good naan bread, I’m sure.

3. There are starving kids in new Jersey. Eat your soup.

Alright nevermind, I just got bored of that list. Here’s the recipe for extremely inexact, home-style soup. If you want scientific measurements, this isn’t the recipe for you. The idea is just to add stuff ’till it looks right and then heat it ’till it stops poisoning you.

• In a big ‘ol pot, stick: four or so chicken thighs and legs w/ skin, about four sticks of chunked celery with the tops on, four (give or take) chunked carrots, maybe two large chopped onions, a chopped parsnip of any size, and a handful of fresh dill weed. I mean it about the parsnip. Toss in plenty of chicken broth.
• Cover and simmer for, say, 3 hours. Or so. Fish out the bones and skim off the fat. Eat what’s left over.

Not enough that your food should be lukewarm, filling, and vaguely tasty? The true connoisseur requires more out of her dinner- she requires